Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
