Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
