i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize