i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
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