I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You were trust falling into bushes
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
