You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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