he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
