I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
