Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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