We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize