I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
