if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
