I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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