i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize