i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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