I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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