After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
