i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
