Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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