No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
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