Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
