I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I think I died a long time ago.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
