Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
