So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
