i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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