half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
