Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
