I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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