so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
