You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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