I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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