Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
