i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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