I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
