i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
