Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
