nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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