true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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