I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
