i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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