your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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