Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
