If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I need to stop coming to work sober
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize