I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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