After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
