She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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