I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I had to cum in my sink.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
