The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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