Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
