i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
