I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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