I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
