while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
