Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
