I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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