i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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