I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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