I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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