Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
this must be what syphilis tastes like
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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