I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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